Thursday, April 17, 2008
A New Dawn
"Suffering breaks our world. Like a tree struck by lightening - splintered, shaken, denuded - our world is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again. What will become of us is a mystery." _- Nathan Kollar
I still don't know where I'll wind up. I'm still growing into my new self. I consider this part of my life as the "Dawning of Odat".
The roller coaster of emotions I experienced right after hub passed is slowing down a bit, but it's still there, the ride has just gotten a little bit easier. And it's true what they say about "firsts". It's not only the first anniversary or the first birthday that passes...it's everything! Planting my garden, going into Barnes and Nobles, even driving his van...all these things have deep memories attached to them. There are times I just stop and bawl my eyes out and times I laugh my head off. The crazy world of widowhood. It's ok though, this is the way it's suppose to happen. But I'm not the person I was before hub. BH? Can I say that...yes I can....he would have thought that funny. He was a funny man! I hear his voice all the time too. Giving me advice about things around the house and me telling him to hush, I'll do it my way! Him rolling his eyes and thinking OOOOKKKKK...go ahead and see....it won't work, ya know. And I still have his orange T-Shirt with me on the couch at night....I smell him. It comforts me.
Like I said, I don't know what the "new me" will look like, but I'm making sure I get there in the most healthiest way possible, despite the wacky world I live in.