Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A New Dawn


"Suffering breaks our world. Like a tree struck by lightening - splintered, shaken, denuded - our world is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again. What will become of us is a mystery." _- Nathan Kollar

I still don't know where I'll wind up. I'm still growing into my new self. I consider this part of my life as the "Dawning of Odat".

The roller coaster of emotions I experienced right after hub passed is slowing down a bit, but it's still there, the ride has just gotten a little bit easier. And it's true what they say about "firsts". It's not only the first anniversary or the first birthday that passes...it's everything! Planting my garden, going into Barnes and Nobles, even driving his van...all these things have deep memories attached to them. There are times I just stop and bawl my eyes out and times I laugh my head off. The crazy world of widowhood. It's ok though, this is the way it's suppose to happen. But I'm not the person I was before hub. BH? Can I say that...yes I can....he would have thought that funny. He was a funny man! I hear his voice all the time too. Giving me advice about things around the house and me telling him to hush, I'll do it my way! Him rolling his eyes and thinking OOOOKKKKK...go ahead and see....it won't work, ya know. And I still have his orange T-Shirt with me on the couch at night....I smell him. It comforts me.

Like I said, I don't know what the "new me" will look like, but I'm making sure I get there in the most healthiest way possible, despite the wacky world I live in.

Peace

19 comments:

Roger said...

Touching post Odat. I cant wait to see photos of your garden!

Patti said...

Your upbeat attitude is great, Odat.

I truly admire your spunk! ;-)

katherine. said...

this one tugged on my heart...what strikes me most about how you write of your "hub" is the manner of man that he left you with (does that make sense??)

You are confident in his wishes for you and his reactions to you even now. His love for you and yours for him is evident in how you know he would be if he was there.

that is a true gift.

Paul said...

As a wise man once said we must find meaning in our suffering to overcome it.

On a limb with Claudia said...

Thank you for sharing your emotional update. I think too often in our world, we avoid sharing our feelings, our true experience, because we "should".

I am delighted you can hear your bh (beloved husband). It brings tears to my eyes. That kind of love never ends or goes away. I'm glad he's there to help you... still.

Blessings on your journey.

Claudia said...

Aww...hugs to you...

vixen said...

You are a strong woman, Odat. I am inspired by your new dawn.

Loving Annie said...

Good Thursday morning to you, Odat.

The roller coaster may go on a whole year or two, Odat. That is normal.

Your whole life has changed. You aren't the person you were before, because so many things are different now, all new, some good and some bad, and some in-between.

I'm amazed his t-shirt still holds his scent, and I'd probably do the same thing, until I'd worn it out...

The new you will gradually emerge over time. Some of the old you still remains of course, the essence of what makes you you, but the part that adapts to your life now will be all new, brave, inquisitive, tentative, exploring, find new things to enjoy that maybe you hadn't done then, etc.

Many hugs -

Loving Annie

Real Live Lesbian said...

I am amazed by your strength....but I think you have that strength because you were loved so much. What a great gift to a loved one!

Hugs!

Akelamalu said...

Firsts are the hardest. You're such a strong person you will get through this and come out the other end even stronger. Thinking of you and continuing to send Reiki. xx

Sandy & Dick said...

Yours is a sorority none of us wives want to be in, but you are paving the way for those who will follow. Stay strong. Stay loving. And thanks for sharing.

Hugs,
Sandy B
xoxoxo

Lois Grebowski said...

Hugs, Odat...I know... my stepmom is going through the same thing. It's scary.

I'm excited to meet the new you! I think we all are...

leelee said...

Hugs Odat, you inspire me by taking what life has served you and grasping it with honesty and a smile. Your BH sounds like a wonderful man and I know he is proud of you. Ups and downs, thats what life is all about. It's how you handle the ride that counts. Looks to me like you are doing just fine..

BIG HUGS!! Enjoy that garden..

Christy said...

The dawning of Odat. I love that idea!

Mimi Lenox said...

What a true and honest post. I love it when you write like this.
You are doing amazingly well.

Sunrunner said...

One thing about roller coasters, you get jarred and bumped and bounced more when you fight where they're taking you. I'm glad you're going with the flow, as hard as that is. Hang in there! You're really doing good.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Honey, you are beautiful. So many people could benefit from your experience, your amazing spirit.

Have you considered writing a book, maybe about the first year AH? You are proof that there is indeed life after devastation. And what a wonderful way to honor him, and to honor love.

buffalodickdy said...

You'll make it, one day at a time...

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i am so proud of you odat! i don't think i could do what you have done. very very proud...

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo