Wednesday, November 29, 2006
From: The dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, handsignals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffeetable .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
One of the reasons I put this dog letter up here is the fact that I almost killed the lil snot dog last night. I usually have no problems falling asleep. I was really, really tired too. I put my lil head on my big pillow. He goes into his lil bed. And then, THE SNORING STARTS! (not me, of course). I feel bad for the lil guy. He can't help it that he was bred to look like a person. He has no snout. Has no way to get air into his lil brain! He makes lots of noises while he's awake even. Snorts like a pig! I move him. I pet him. I really feel sorry for him. I may have to have his nose done. He continues to snore in my ear! I usually don't hear this cause I'm fast asleep, but for some reason I couldn't fall asleep last night. (I wonder if it was that large iced coffee from Starbucks I had at 7pm?) Oh well........he's still alive and well today and I still love him, snorts and snores and all.
(Oh, by the way, he still has his testicles. Maybe if,......hmmmm.....will that make him snore less?)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
And fall into winter,
then spring back up
Summer these trips are harder than others.
The above came out in a dreamlike trance... it was like I wasn't doing it...it was just there.
Have a wonderful day, in spite of it all.
Monday, November 27, 2006
As Friday was "extra special " Happy Dance Friday, Monday is DOUBLE AARRGGHH, due to the fact that it's the first day back from a four day weekend. I hope y'all had a terrific Thanksgiving.
Now that Thanksgiving is behind us I look so forward to traveling to work because Christmas is coming and everyone (well a lot of people) will be traveling into NYC to see the tree at Rockerfeller Plaza, which is all find and dandy. I love seeing the tree too. However, when you interfere with my commute, LOOK OUT! I have enough to do getting to work on a normal day, I don't need 20 million more people to shove, push, walk around, walk over, curse at, hit with my briefcase, etc.
I'm not saying I don't have the "holiday" spirit or anything, because I do. I love the holidays. I love listening to the carols playing, I love all the lighted houses, and the decorations in all the department stores on Fifth Avenue, the sales, Santa, reindeer, mistletoe, presents, wishing all a happy holiday, n'shit. BUT DON'T MESS WITH MY COMMUTE ok???
(I'm really a very nice person, if ya get to know me...hehehe).
And that's all I have to day about that!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Three things that scare me: Planes flying low; loud noises; clowns
Three people who make me laugh: George Carlin; my ex (believe it or not); my funny blogging buddies.
Three things I love: My dog, Spud; the smell of lavendar; the ocean.
Three things I hate: Liver, aggresive drivers; people talking on cell phones while driving.
Three things I don't understand: String theory; how the universe was formed; why I have to pay taxes.
Three things on my desk: A stained glass lamp; a desk pad with wild colors; files.
Three things I'm doing right now: this list; gathering records for taxes (aarrgghh), thinking of making a cake.
Three things I want to do before I die: Motorcyle to Alaska; rock climb; run a marathon.
Three things I can do: Swim really far (lol); stain glass work; argue both sides of everything.
Three things I can't do: Sing; play the piano; fly an airplane
Three things you should listen to: Your mother; relaxing music while working; your gut.
Three things you should never listen to: what others think of you; politicians; telemarketers.
Three things I'd like to learn: To fly an airplane; sky dive; play an instrument.
Three favorite foods: Anything Italian; hummus; corned beef and cabbage.
Three beverages I drink regularly: Water; coffee; diet coke with lime.
Three TV shows I watched as a kid: Ed Sullivan; Cartoons; Disney
Three people I tag:
Boondoggled; The CEO; StudioTwentyThree
Saturday, November 25, 2006
-Henry David Thoreau
Friday, November 24, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'thank you', that would suffice.
The other day I was walking back to my office and I saw a young man sitting on the sidewalk with a sign in front of him that said: "Why lie, I need a beer". I gave him a few bucks, if only for his creativity.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I smell donuts! I don't bake.
I don't live near a donut shop. My neighbors aren't baking. I'm not a cop. So where is the donut smell coming from? I don't even eat donuts..but they smell really good. Is my dog taking up baking while I'm at work? Is something in my brain going haywire? I once knew an epileptic who said she smelled amonia right before she had a seizure. Is this the same thing? I wonder if a seizure happens right after one smells donuts? And what kind of seizure would it be? Helpppp me!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Ok, here we are again......Monday...(not Funday)........a beginning of another wonderful week. It's not that I really hate Mondays...it's just the thought of work and using my lil brain again after a nice weekend. Oh I know this is Thanksgiving week and all and I am indeed thankful I have a job to complain about, but hey, what's a blog for anyway???
And oh, I can't wait to see the new movie, Happy Feet! Yes I'm an adult but I only play one in real life. I understand that the premise of the movie is that this penquin named Mumble (coincidence?) is exiled from his tribe of penquins because he can't sing, but he sure can dance. (happy dance friday? coincidence?) Well I guess I'll have to see the movie for myself.
So, here's wishing you a great week!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
So don't forget to stop and smell the roses in your neck of the woods. You may be pleasantly surprised, or not!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Short for "and shit like that".
To describe an action or can be used at the end of every sentence:
And Stuff like that or And something else.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
(Jefferson Airplane "White Rabbit)
In my little neck of the woods, there are no rabbits. At least none that I've seen. We have an occasional racoon, oppossum, a bird sanctuary, even a zoo. But I haven't come across a rabbit in my path ever, since I've been living here. That is, until last night.
I live on a relatively quiet and dark street. There's only one street light. The kids that play outdoors (yes they actually do that here) are back inside at dark. It's really quiet (and dark).
So when I walk my lil pooch, I'm extra vilgilant because of this. (and also because there's a killer pit bull that gets loose and attacks small dogs and I'm always looking for a good escape route if this ever happens. But that's another story).
So last night I'm walking Snot Spud and off in the distance I see what I imagined was a white plastic bag of garbage tied at the top as they usually are. Then it starts to move. I think, hmm, it's not windy out, so why is that bag of garbage moving? I get a little closer and it it's up in the air now! Whoa! Am I getting flashbacks here? Is my sinus medication making me hallucinate?
Snot dog's ears perk up and off he goes! I didn't have time to retract the leash. I get closer and see that this "garbage bag" has longs ears and is hopping across the street, Snot dog in hot pursuit. Thankfully the leash stops short of Snot Spud getting rabbit kicked in his already smushed in face.
A neighbor of mine is driving down the street at this time and stops her car and gets out.
Says to me: Was that I rabbit I just saw?
Me: yes it certainly was.
Her: I wonder what it's doing here?
Me: Well I know who it may belong to so I'll just ring their bell and let them know their rabbit is on the prowl.
I ring the doorbell. The "kid" answers. I tell him his rabbit is loose. Says he knows. They let him out all the time.
Me: Oh, well he may get hurt, or stolen or sompin.
Kid: Yeah, well you should have seen one day when a big dog tried to kill him!
Me: Well you better bring him inside then.
Kid: Nah that's ok, he runs really fast. Thanks anyway. Shuts door.
(At least he said thank you.)
Moral of the story: Mind my own business???????
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Upon which all others took pity.
She spent her whole day,
So she took medication...
And thought of vacation.....
and came up with a lot of stupidity....
She just couldn't blog
Cause her brain was all fog.....
Turned into a jello liquidity.
So she'll now stop her mewing....
Of dribbleous spewing......
Cause she's getting a little bit giddy.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Ok I got that out of the way. Now, after spending the weekend with the worst posssible sinus headache and pressure that anyone in the whole wide world could not even come close to having,
here I am, getting ready for work...and it's MONDAY! aarrgghh!
I'm not kidding about that headache. Was so bad that banging my head with a hammer felt better than the ache. Did you ever see that commercial where the people blow their noses and their heads blow up like balloons? Well my head felt like it was going to explode and if it did it would have been quite similiar to the Big Bang and probably create it's own little galaxy, is how bad it was. I took everything under the sun to get rid of it....then took a hot steaming shower for the humidity, then stood over a boiling kettle with my handy Vicks and breathed in the vapors. Drank plenty of water, took a nap, ate something, didn't eat anything...drank some coffee, had some tea....well you get the picture.
I get this way every fall..it's the mold spores or something from all the dead leaves lying around.
Even though I love the fall, I'm afraid the Fall doesn't like me. This is when I start wishing for the really cold weather so as to kill off all those damn spores and stuff. And then when the cold arrives and the snow comes with it, I'll have something else to complain (and blog) about. Oh it's a never ending cycle! Helpppppppppppp!
Oh by the way, HAPPY MONDAY! ;-)
Sunday, November 12, 2006
AND, I pressed the lil wheelchair symbol next to the word verification and it gives you a verbal message of what numbers to type there! Welllllll, I got a background message along with the numbers....(I swear they were talking in another language! Try it and tell me what happens to you ...or am I just tuning in to the aliens again????? do do do do do do do do do do.........
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
So fast time goes by......
I wish I could stand still...
As it speeds past me.
Or maybe slow time down,
That way I'd not age.
I'd be forever young....
But would I'd want to, I don't know.
Would I still be who I am today
or someone else completely?
Would I still gain wisdom and experience?
or would my essence stay unchanged,
if time stood still.
Time. So fast when thought about but when I don't pay attention to it, time slows and I usually have plenty of time to get where I'm going or do what I'm doing. Isn't that strange? It's true though. On the other hand if I start to think that I'm running out of time it speeds up. So why is it that time goes faster as we get older? Why do we get older faster? Or faster older?
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of.
C. S. Lewis:
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock.
“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”
No time like the present.
Come out of the circle of time And into the circle of love.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Take time today!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Mimi inspired "Grant Us Peace" Day and suggested all us bloggers post this on our blogs today. A lot of you have and have also posted some really inspirational stories to go along with them.
Mine is simple and always has been...".Peace."...a small but powerful word that I feel inspires smiles everytime I say it...and I say it a lot. Sometimes people look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok. So I'm keeping it simple today too.......
Bedtime stories for big kids, (gathered from past emails):
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And killed the bastard.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Please feel free to make up one of your own...and I'll post them..;-)
Monday, November 06, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
red and orange leaves....
some brown and dying under my feet, crunching.
peeking through the branches
of trees that carry nutty nuggots that "they" eat.
In the woods..
savoring the sights of the season..
getting hit with discarded acorns on my head!
Those damn squirrels!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
I was driving on a long road and saw a macaroni and cheese stand in the distance. I pulled into the driveway of the place when, all of a sudden, a rabid dog jumped up onto my car trying to bite it's way into my window! I reached over and pulled my mace can out of the slot machine I always carry with me and sprayed this mad dog as if I were a raving lunatic, then I threw the can at him and killed it. I finally managed to free myself from the dog situation and get in to purchase my mac and cheese. I sat down at the counter, relaxing a bit, reading my Cosmo magazine and realize that there's a piece of macaroni that bears a striking resemblence to the Virgin Mary! Oh my! But as I dig deeper into the bowl, I realize it's really filled with maggots!
Oh and by the way, the mac and cheese stand was owned by the mafia).
Help me interpret my dream please.......
To see or travel on a macadamized road in your dream , denotes a pleasant journey that will prove beneficial and profitable.
To dream that you are eating macaroni, denotes small losses. To see macaroni in large quantities, signifies that need for you to be frugal, economize, and save money.
To see or use mace in your dream, represents your quest for objectivity over subjectivity. You do not let your emotions rule your actions.
To see machinery in your dream, suggests that you are going about your way without much thought. You are making decisions without thinking it through. You need to get out of your boring pattern. Alternatively, it indicates that your self-image or a relationship may be in need of repair.
To see a mad dog in your dream, denotes that you and your friends will be the verbally assaulted by your lowly rivals..
To dream that you kill a mad dog, signifies that you will overcome the adverse opinions of others and rise to prosperity.
To dream that you are diagnosed with madness or that you are mad, forewarns of trouble, loss, and overwhelming grief. You may have been behaving in an inappropriate way in your waking life.
To see others suffering from madness, signifies a gloomy end to hopeful prospects.
To see the Madonna in your dream, symbolizes the mystical mother and the giver of life and beauty. It also signifies blessings.
To dream that you are a member of a mafia, suggests that you are allowing others to manipulate you. Or you are using your power against others.
To dream that you come in contact with the mafia, indicates that you are experiencing some inner conflict and turmoil.
To read a magazine in your dream, indicates that you are opened to various new ideas. Consider also the theme and name of the magazine and its symbolism.
To see maggots in your dream, represents your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.
In particular, to dream that you are stepping on maggots, indicates guilt and impurity. You are trying to repress your immoral thoughts or behavior . On a positive note, it may symbolize your resilience, persistence, and your ability to bounce back from adversity.