Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Pet Stuff

To all Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. Theother dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim forit becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1 They live here. You don't.
2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Gratitude List:
1) Animals
2) Babies, cause they make me smile.
3) Moms
4) Dads
5) Grammas



Roger said...

Yep you dont have to pay for there college lol I feel that one :D

Real Live Lesbian said...

Well said, Odat! My daughter is covered in fur and her nose is a tad long for her face...but she's still my baby!

Happy Tuesday!

Sarge Charlie said...

man why didn't you tell me all this stuff in 1960.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Why do people have kids?

Jeff B said...

Being both a pet owner and a parent I can to relate to it all.

Thanks for the chuckle.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

today i am grateful for cough syrup...

smiles, bee

Lois Grebowski said...

I gotta send that to my brother and his family....priceless!

M@ said...

I once had to disabuse my ex-girl of the idea that the dog would be joining us in bed. I am a white person and I love dogs but... nonononononononononononononono!!!!!

Matt-Man said...

I may just print this off Odat. Cheers!!

My Reflecting Pool said...

Great post! I do love my pets more than most people, admittedly.

Odat said...

Roger, whadda ya mean? Dogs go to college!

Real, at least your dog has a snoot..mine doesn''s a pug.

sarge, tsk tsk!! lol

LGS, My point exactly. (well kinda)

jeff b,
You're very welcome!

Awww...feel better! I'm sending it out too to e'one.

M@, But they do provide body heat! lol

matt-man, ok, use it!!! ;-)

Pool, me too, me too!


Mike M said...

Posted in the fridge, Captain!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Do you live at my house??

lala said...

Haha- if they get pregnant we can see their children... that's the best one... =)

great post, odat.

Echomouse said...

LOL Awesome!

Schmoop said...

Ha Ha! You haveprinces/princesses too! I thought I was the only one!

Crankster said...

I love this. To bad you can't translate it into cat!

Loving Annie said...

Good Tuesday evening to you, Odat !


Hope that you and those you love have a yummy and wonderful Thanksgiving holiday --

and I'm back to writing on my nice girl blog again. Permanently :)

*cyber hugs and smiles*
Loving Annie

buffalodickdy said...

What you just said, is what we live..... The dog understands about a dozen words, and the cat- none!

Nosjunkie said...

haaa shame man this really does sound like something I should put up for my cats

Oswegan said...

You know, I hate to be the one to say this, but that puppy is humpin that kitten.


August said...

Odat, this is the best post I've read in a long while. What a grin I'm sporting from reading this. I love it!

Cheers from Berlin!

August said...

I'm so glad finally SOMEBODY understands.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Now, we know the human non-pet owners will read at the front door, but will the dogs read it, or just pretend they are cats and turn up their noses and shove you back off the bed?

This is great!