Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain!

Monday, December 31, 2007

A Look Back On Happy Monkey Monday

Happy Monkey New Year's Eve Monday!

Here's to you, my fellow blogging buddies. Wishing you your best year yet! I'm not one for making resolutions but there are some big things on the horizon for me this year and are bound to make life a little better. A Happy, Peaceful and Loving New Year to All!

Summary of my year on the computer:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial anumber for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next doorneighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day...

AND a scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. ;-)



Meloncutter said...

I just don't know what to say. I am setting here without a decent reply to this post. My first inclination was to say, "damn woman, go get laid." but that just really didn't fit the sentiment of the posting.

My second thought was, How many times could you have been laid if you had not taken all the time to read all this stuff.

But I think I will just have to go with this...

Happy New Year my blogging friend. I hope your new year brings great tidings and is your best year ever.

Later Y'all.

Casdok said...

May 2008 be good to you.
Love Cas and C x

Matt-Man said...

Ha...Have a Happy New Year Odat. Cheers!!

Sarge Charlie said...

I am with you odat, resolutions suck, so what are the great things....oh btw, happy new year, sober

Sarge Charlie said...

I forgot to tell you, my favorite monkey monday was the monkey giving himself a bj

Paul said...

My monkey
Is getting funky.
Happy New Year.

Roger said...

Hahaha great list! Chain mail I personally send 7 times back to the sender they start getting the point then! Happy New Year to you! C'ya next year!!

Akelamalu said...

Love your list!

Happy New Year to you.

buffalodickdy said...

Your "feet on the ground" logic, and your sense of humour will surely get you into trouble with mainstream America in 2008! Oh by the way, that candlelit procession coming down your street towards you is actually a torch-bearing mob...
Happy New Year, sweetie!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Dammit. (snatches hand from mouse)

Happy New Year, Odat!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

odat are you getting married? or what??? just askin'...

happy new year odat.

smiles, bee

the teach said...

Odat, a real funny post to start my day... Happy New Year!

Jeff B said...

If I ever get a chance to meet you in person please remind me to visit on a cool winter day. That waterbuffalo stench can be a bit overpowering.

Having recieved many of these anoying emails myself made this post even more halarious.

Happy New Year!

M@ said...

Another reason I like Dr. Pepper.

C said...

I like the last bit about people who read email with their hand on their mouse. I read with my hand on my crotch. Just kidding!

Hammer said...

LOL thank you for summerizing my 2007 Email inbox.

Have a great new year!!

Patti said...

Odat you are a great summary writer.
Those e-mails can get a tad annoying.

Is Bee on to something?? Or just spreading rumors??

Hope 2008 is great for you! So glad I met you in the blogosphere. ;-)


Open Grove Claudia said...

I keep believing that if I take those herbal pills I WILL grow a penis. The pills are guaranteed you know.

I hope you have a blessed 2008. You are one of the exceptional finds of this year.

Ralph said...

Odat, happy new year...I trust that you and Spud will ring in the new year at midnight sharp???

You can use alien toilets, just pour the Coca Cola on the toilet seat first: since it can remove toilet stains, it will immobilize that brown African spider...

Loving Annie said...

Meloncutter's comment made me laugh :)

Happy New Year 2008 to you, Odat !

Odat said...

....Melon, I could say the same back to you ya know!! Well I wish your wish comes true! lol

Cas, Back at you and C!!!

Matt-man Happy New Year to you too. Try and behave for a change!

Sarge, Yup One Day at a Time! and I'll republish that monkey just for you soon! ok? lol

Paul, Unfunky that monkey, will ya?

Roger, you're sooo bad...HNY, my friend.

ake, thanks and hope your New Year is filled with great things!

Buffalo, I've been in trouble my whole life! I just can't help myself! ;-)

Real, haha...caught ya!

Bee, hmmmmm...NO!

Teach, Thanks so much!

jeff, ya really get used to the smell once you've been exposed to it. I don't even notice it anymore. ;d

matt, for once, I agree with you! omg! ;-)

c, ahahahahaha!!! That was funny!

hammer...I've gotten all of them!!!

patti, Bee's such the rumor monger!
I'm glad I've met you too!!! ;-)

Claudia, OMG! what's that bulge in my pants??? Oh it's only my mouse!

Ralph, Not sure I can stay up that late!!! Spud for sure will be snoring his lil head off.

Annie, Welcome Back, my friend!!!
Hope you have a great New Year!!!

Peace All

Claudia said...

Have a happy New Years Odat!!

crazy working mom said...

Heh heh heh...Happy New Year, my friend. :)

Here's to a great '08!

Palm Springs Savant said...

I love monkeys btw.

funny you should mention not boiling water in the microwave. I had some hardboiled eggs that i heated up in the microwave and after I took them out they kept exploding like crazy. We had eggs EVERYWHERE! So add that to your list!

Happy New Year Odat

CS said...

Ha! And this is precisely why I routinely delete chain mail unread!

katherine. said...

we had a similar year....yours is way

Marilyn said...

I am tempted to forward this to a few freinds anyway... I don't have quite that many but it's too cold for fleas here right now so I'm not that worried.

Happy New Year